Life is complicated. Being a human makes it worse. By giving this body a brain worth 1.3kgs, things totally spin out of control. Constantly thinking, analyzing. What to do? What will happen next? What if I do this? What if I don't do that? And to think of it, they say we use just a miniscule portion of our brain's potential power!
When I am driving on the road, I think which gear to use, where to break, is the speed too much, do I have my license? Things that are in the bigger scheme of things, totally worthless.
When I am around in a public place I feel like singing. My sister tells me not to. Why? Is it prohibited? I want to fart but I can't so I go to a relatively isolated place and open the nozzle. Now no one can smell what the Rock is cooking! I want to drink when I go out to dinner with the family but I don't because I know it is not good manners. When I study I constantly think about what will happen if I don't clear the exams and that takes up a lot of my study time.
When I am thinking about the person I love, things go absolutely haywire. I think what she might be doing. I think what should I write in my next message. I think why isn't she replying. Has she started loving someone else? Does she even like me now?
Think, think think. To what end? I really don't know. Sometimes I wish I was like my dog. He doesn't have to think while peeing on the car's wheels. He doesn't bother what a person feels if he licks them. He doesn't care if he farts in the middle of the room( yes dogs do fart!). He doesn't mind being without a bath for days together. He doesn't mind eating anything below Pedigree. He doesn't even remember who was the last bitch he nailed! Life is so much more easier for him. I envy him.
But then I guess the world has been defined by us humans. I have to live by the rules. Think all the time. In other words be human. I really like that CBZ Extreme advertisement, "Thinking is such a waste of time!"
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
What I've Done?
Eight years ago I didn't know I'd be a doctor, two years hence I wasn't sure I'd even clear the Pre-medical exams, a year later I had joined AFMC, during the 5 years at AFMC I wasn't sure if I'd leave or join the forces, today I don't know if I would be a successful doctor. My father asks me what do I want as a graduation gift, I say I haven't thought about it, simply because I really don't want anything.
I toiled very hard in my final year to get good grades in the exam which I never got in the previous years and my hard work paid dividends. In the previous years I have gone through 'stats', read what is just the bare essential, studied really during the crunch time for exams and even failed once or twice in the internal exams. In short I have lived my college life just like any other "normal" guy. I have gone on road trips, have drunk my ass out, jammed with my band, smoked up, landed up in disciplinary action and god knows what all, never ever keeping studies as my first priority. Yes, the last year I have changed myself because of the notion that it is an important year in the my MBBS life.
I haven't disappointed my parents. They were happy with my grades and everything else for these five years. It's hard not to admit that I have this uncanny knack of getting decent grades despite studying really on the edge. I haven't disappointed my teachers either. I have surprised my batchmates with my result. I have even surprised people from other colleges with my result.
You might think it is totally justified for me to ask for that graduation gift. I know batchmates of mine who were gifted expensive cars, cheques worth lakhs and really fabulous gifts. But I am really not interested.
When I retrospect, I feel I won't be justifying the feeling with which my Dad wants to gift me that. I have cheated in exams, I know in the deepest recesses of my mind that I have not put in my best, I know that I have already extracted 15 odd lakh rupees from my parents for my freedom and most of all I think that is it really such a big deal to pass a graduation exam?
After all what am I after these 5 years? Just a MBBS doctor with an absolutely hazy future ahead. I don't have a job, I am not earning, neither have I earned some status in the society. I am on an uncertain road right now and that road doesn't demand a car or a bike to reach my destiny, whatever it is.
I toiled very hard in my final year to get good grades in the exam which I never got in the previous years and my hard work paid dividends. In the previous years I have gone through 'stats', read what is just the bare essential, studied really during the crunch time for exams and even failed once or twice in the internal exams. In short I have lived my college life just like any other "normal" guy. I have gone on road trips, have drunk my ass out, jammed with my band, smoked up, landed up in disciplinary action and god knows what all, never ever keeping studies as my first priority. Yes, the last year I have changed myself because of the notion that it is an important year in the my MBBS life.
I haven't disappointed my parents. They were happy with my grades and everything else for these five years. It's hard not to admit that I have this uncanny knack of getting decent grades despite studying really on the edge. I haven't disappointed my teachers either. I have surprised my batchmates with my result. I have even surprised people from other colleges with my result.
You might think it is totally justified for me to ask for that graduation gift. I know batchmates of mine who were gifted expensive cars, cheques worth lakhs and really fabulous gifts. But I am really not interested.
When I retrospect, I feel I won't be justifying the feeling with which my Dad wants to gift me that. I have cheated in exams, I know in the deepest recesses of my mind that I have not put in my best, I know that I have already extracted 15 odd lakh rupees from my parents for my freedom and most of all I think that is it really such a big deal to pass a graduation exam?
After all what am I after these 5 years? Just a MBBS doctor with an absolutely hazy future ahead. I don't have a job, I am not earning, neither have I earned some status in the society. I am on an uncertain road right now and that road doesn't demand a car or a bike to reach my destiny, whatever it is.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Paranormal
Yesterday night, I had gone out with family with one of our family friend's birthday treat. Yesterday was different because of the extremely interesting discussion that happened amongst us. We talked about the possibilities of the Higg's Boson being the God particle, the mysteries of space, the power of God, the epic magnificence of the Mahabharata and also something about the Lost Symbol, the Seven Ancient Wonders and medical knowledge. Hardly a party table discussion matter, but nonetheless very interesting.
I don't exactly remember the spark for this discussion but it began with my Dad criticizing the Hadron Collider which has been built by the CERN to prove the existence of the Higg's Boson. He was quoting one of the eminent neurosurgeons of Mumbai who writes for the Speaking Tree in Times of India that mankind's incessant and unnecessary search will never be over. They will find the Higg's Boson, then what? Another scientist will question the origins of Higg's Boson and a new hunt will start but to what end? Instead if the billions of Euros being spent on this experiment were used to address the poverty and hunger and war raging in almost every continent wouldn't it be much better? I liked one of the statements of this neurosurgeon, he said when you perform an experiment you become a part of that experiment. You can only see what the experiment shows. We live in such a microscopic cocoon. There are millions of galaxies and millions of stars with innumerable planets, yet we consider ourselves the masters of the universe. Why can't we accept the being of a Higher Power?
We then talked about the relationship of the Gayatri Mantra to the universe. How Vishwamitra discerned that the sound produced by the millions of galaxies moving and spinning away was the primeval sound Om. And how concentrating to the sound Om we can actually connect to God.
An interesting fact was also brought to light that Aryabhatta's calculation of the Moon's distance from the Earth is just some meters in discrepancy with NASA's calculations. It's really hard to imagine. We, with all the advancements are still unable to grasp the knowledge which was harnessed by the ancient without them. From that I spoke about the branch of Noetic Sciences of which Dan Brown mentions in his new novel, the Lost Symbol which exactly focuses on this power of the human mind to harness it's true energy.
Then from somewhere the topic shifted to the Pyramids of Egypt. The pyramids as many of us know are arranged in the exact same alignment as those of the stars of the constellation Orion. and it is also a fact that when the Orion is directly above the Pyramids, the shaft of light from the stars directly illuminates the place where the Pharaoh's head lies. Truly astounding! There is also a reference in the book Chariots of God that the Pyramids were an alien construction as the rocks and the material used to build them was not in the capacity of the Nile Civilization. Of course, the Pyramids have always been a source of mysteries and legends.
We then spoke about Mahabharata. The epic story of Hindu mythology. It is believed that Mahabharata did happen and it possibly can't just be a figment of Ved Vyas' imagination. Even scientists have found traces of radioactive material in the Kurukshetra wastelands. We also talked about the vast intricacies and linked stories of the epic.
I finally concluded as I have, often before while talking about paranormal things, that there is definitely a higher power. We can't just explain everything on scientific principles. The answer to WHY is never there. The WHY is just there. And it's fascinating. There are two lines which I remembered from a ghazal-
सामने है जो उसे लोग बुरा कहते हैं,
जिसको देखा ही नहीं उसे खुदा कहते हैं।
I don't exactly remember the spark for this discussion but it began with my Dad criticizing the Hadron Collider which has been built by the CERN to prove the existence of the Higg's Boson. He was quoting one of the eminent neurosurgeons of Mumbai who writes for the Speaking Tree in Times of India that mankind's incessant and unnecessary search will never be over. They will find the Higg's Boson, then what? Another scientist will question the origins of Higg's Boson and a new hunt will start but to what end? Instead if the billions of Euros being spent on this experiment were used to address the poverty and hunger and war raging in almost every continent wouldn't it be much better? I liked one of the statements of this neurosurgeon, he said when you perform an experiment you become a part of that experiment. You can only see what the experiment shows. We live in such a microscopic cocoon. There are millions of galaxies and millions of stars with innumerable planets, yet we consider ourselves the masters of the universe. Why can't we accept the being of a Higher Power?
We then talked about the relationship of the Gayatri Mantra to the universe. How Vishwamitra discerned that the sound produced by the millions of galaxies moving and spinning away was the primeval sound Om. And how concentrating to the sound Om we can actually connect to God.
An interesting fact was also brought to light that Aryabhatta's calculation of the Moon's distance from the Earth is just some meters in discrepancy with NASA's calculations. It's really hard to imagine. We, with all the advancements are still unable to grasp the knowledge which was harnessed by the ancient without them. From that I spoke about the branch of Noetic Sciences of which Dan Brown mentions in his new novel, the Lost Symbol which exactly focuses on this power of the human mind to harness it's true energy.
Then from somewhere the topic shifted to the Pyramids of Egypt. The pyramids as many of us know are arranged in the exact same alignment as those of the stars of the constellation Orion. and it is also a fact that when the Orion is directly above the Pyramids, the shaft of light from the stars directly illuminates the place where the Pharaoh's head lies. Truly astounding! There is also a reference in the book Chariots of God that the Pyramids were an alien construction as the rocks and the material used to build them was not in the capacity of the Nile Civilization. Of course, the Pyramids have always been a source of mysteries and legends.
We then spoke about Mahabharata. The epic story of Hindu mythology. It is believed that Mahabharata did happen and it possibly can't just be a figment of Ved Vyas' imagination. Even scientists have found traces of radioactive material in the Kurukshetra wastelands. We also talked about the vast intricacies and linked stories of the epic.
I finally concluded as I have, often before while talking about paranormal things, that there is definitely a higher power. We can't just explain everything on scientific principles. The answer to WHY is never there. The WHY is just there. And it's fascinating. There are two lines which I remembered from a ghazal-
सामने है जो उसे लोग बुरा कहते हैं,
जिसको देखा ही नहीं उसे खुदा कहते हैं।
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Harsh Realities
It's been just over 20 days since I have started my Compulsory Rotatory Internship at the Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose Medical College, Jabalpur. What a big name for a college and a hospital that is downsized by the very ethics and purpose it stands! Moving from Pune to Jabalpur, from AFMC to NSCBMC it has been an about turn in my perception of health care.
Where in AFMC I never had to think once before rubbing my hands with Sterilium in the wards, or not touching the newborns without disinfecting my hands, or advising the patients to go and buy some medicine; I now have to think so much! There is no Sterilium, newborns are handled like any other general patient, intracaths are inserted without much thought about asepsis, patients beg to receive free medication, it is all so shaking and true.
The India as it is, has been visualized by me. A medical college where the corridors smell of shit, where patients and their next of kin cook and feed their children in open grounds, where they stand in a line for drinking water which God knows how drinkable it really is! These sights have shaken me beyond imagination and unfortunately I have to just watch it like that. I can't do anything about it. All I can offer is some sympathy and kind words. What do I say to a father whose son has been bitten by a rabid dog and who has come to the hospital on a holiday demanding a free injection? He doesn't have the money to buy a vaccine. I send him to another government run hospital where there might be some hope of getting a free vaccine. What do I do when a newborn is actively seizuring in front of me and the basic medicine required for him is not available in the ward? I just stand helpless looking at the residents and the senior doctors to do something meaningful. The poverty, the helplessness, the lack of resources just overwhelms me.
I guess I am feeling this way because it's just been 20days for me here and coming from one of the best colleges in the country to a place which is like this is really hard to digest. But for now I feel truly helpless.
Where in AFMC I never had to think once before rubbing my hands with Sterilium in the wards, or not touching the newborns without disinfecting my hands, or advising the patients to go and buy some medicine; I now have to think so much! There is no Sterilium, newborns are handled like any other general patient, intracaths are inserted without much thought about asepsis, patients beg to receive free medication, it is all so shaking and true.
The India as it is, has been visualized by me. A medical college where the corridors smell of shit, where patients and their next of kin cook and feed their children in open grounds, where they stand in a line for drinking water which God knows how drinkable it really is! These sights have shaken me beyond imagination and unfortunately I have to just watch it like that. I can't do anything about it. All I can offer is some sympathy and kind words. What do I say to a father whose son has been bitten by a rabid dog and who has come to the hospital on a holiday demanding a free injection? He doesn't have the money to buy a vaccine. I send him to another government run hospital where there might be some hope of getting a free vaccine. What do I do when a newborn is actively seizuring in front of me and the basic medicine required for him is not available in the ward? I just stand helpless looking at the residents and the senior doctors to do something meaningful. The poverty, the helplessness, the lack of resources just overwhelms me.
I guess I am feeling this way because it's just been 20days for me here and coming from one of the best colleges in the country to a place which is like this is really hard to digest. But for now I feel truly helpless.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Orphan: Review
Lot of anticipation went through my mind before watching this flick. I was disappointed though. Orphan is the story of a 9yr old girl who is adopted by a family who lost their third child because of still birth. The girl, Esther is not innocent as she pretends to be and gruesome accidents keep happening where she is involved. Finally the truth is revealed when Kate, her step-mother discovers that she is actually a runaway from a mental hospital in Estonia and is extremely dangerous.
Orphan relies on its classy direction, jump in your seat sequences and brilliant cinematography. But it is totally spineless when it comes to the storyline. Though I could not guess the twist in the end but the twist was a very ordinary and unsatisfactory one. The director tries to fit everything into one disorder that is Hypopituitarism and that comes off as a poor solution to the complicated plot.
The performances are good, especially those of Kate and Esther. But then this is not one horror/thriller flick that you would remember. I will go out on a 3 on 5, purely for its direction, visuals and performances.
Monday, January 25, 2010
A Darkness Descends
How superficial can the world be? As superficial as the smile on a model's face posing for an advertisement? Superficiality is torturing me. When people I consider as closest to my heart are actually the ones who are most distant, I feel like standing in the middle of a cold desert, in the midst of a dead silent ocean, in a room with pitch black darkness..
Writing someone's initials on a hand and showing it to the person that how much I care about him, is just a juvenile way of expressing love, but then so pure. I was reciprocated, loved and mailed for a while only to be cut loose now, hanging by the strands of a relationship I tried to forge when in fact none existed. I am just waiting for it to become my noose someday.
Serendipity has its beauty and its ugly side too. I got her in my phone by chance and became attached by choice, even got attracted only to be bored with it. But then I assumed we were good friends, friends at least if not good. Calling every week to be answered by the voice was bliss, never being called at was disappointment, but now, it bears down upon me like a weight I myself let loose on my shoulders, and now, they are aching.
An insidious onset, rapidly progressive term is used for an acute onset 'illness'. After two years I might call it just that. I came to know her, talked to her, opened my heart to her only to be suspended in a state of confused animation. The silence of the last couple of months froze hard whatever ice we could melt in the last two years. And revelation as it dawned, I realized, I was fossilized in that ice.
And then there are those who are everyday friends. The ones I live day in and out with. Allegedly, they are the ones who know the most about me but sadly they are also the ones with whom I may be the most distant. Sharing the joys and sorrows, love and hatred might have been with them but then the most deepest of emotions are seldom let out through the fragile walls of my mind and heart.
And all this, a product of the superficiality. When the world as it appears is not what it actually is, you know that is reality. It is and it is a fact. And very few disappoint me to that end. But then I have learned to live like that and I guess I will carry on too but tonight as I write this, a darkness descends..
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I Saw The Sun/Gunesi Gordum : Review
What does the phrase "I Saw the Sun" mean? Does it mean that one literally sees the Sun, experiences reality, just realizes the truth or is it something much more intricate?
I Saw the Sun is a Turkish film which tries to answer the questions posed above. Set in the times of the Civil War of Turkey it explores the struggles a lone village family has to face while coming to terms with the vagaries of the war. The Altun family is large with many sons and their siblings. One of their sons, Ramazan or Ramo is urging Allah to give him a son as he has had 5 daughters. Finally when he is blessed with one he decides to offer the Gods an offering for the next 7 years. The family is living on the border which is constantly the playground for anti-insurgency operations by the Turkish Army against the guerrillas who are labeled as the terrorists. The army has been urging the family to evacuate the village but they are adamant on not doing so. When Davut Bey loses one of his sons, Serhat, who is a guerrilla in the army operations he is totally shaken and finally decides to abandon the village. Part of the family moves to the comforts of Istanbul while Davut Bey and his immediate family migrate to Norway illegally.
In Istanbul the family faces new troubles as a result of their ignorance of the modern lifestyle. Ramo's wife Havar suffers from gynaecological problems, Mamo's younger brother finds himself to be a homosexual when none in the family are ready to accept him like that and Ramo loses his only son to an accident.This plunges the family deeper into troubled waters and finally, when they can't take it anymore, they decide to return to their village. In Norway meanwhile Davut Bey settles down after some hassles with the immigration office and starts leading a comfortable life.
The story delves deep into the human conscience, between choices and chances, between love and hatred and between war and peace. The director leaves it to the audience to interpret the title of the film as the dawn of realisation or as a concept of the berfin as spoken of by Kadri, the homosexual. Many of the scenes will leave you on the verge of tears and some will actually make you cry. The depiction of the consequences of unnecessary war is not new but the portrayal is ingenious. When Mamo realises that Kadri's fate is not in his hands, when Ramo loses his only son, when Davut Bey finds solace in Norway and when Kadri says that how he wished he would have been a woman; all roads lead to one truth, I Saw the Sun. One may interpret it in ones own ways but the way I did, I just loved it.
I was not particularly impressed with the cinematography though. The scenes were very machinistic. They did not blend smoothly with each other and to that end the movie falls short of the expectations. The music was good but was not properly faded in and out of the frames. I think the editing too needed some polishing.
Nonetheless, the concept and the story was awesome and it is definitely worth a watch. I would give it a 4 on 5.
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